You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
