Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
