i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
