She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
