we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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