sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
