when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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