Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
