Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
