awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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