theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
