Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize