if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
