I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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