I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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