T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
