that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
