First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
