I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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