my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
