i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
