Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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