Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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