They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Two words: nipple clamps
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