Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
