Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize