I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
