I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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