I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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