im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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