At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
