There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
