You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
