I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
