he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
