Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
