my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
