Already got asked if we're dating
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
