Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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