I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
