How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just invented taco cereal.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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