We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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