Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
