i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
