OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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