I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
