i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
