Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
