i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
