I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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