I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
