Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
