Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
