i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
