my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
