i wish my penis had a tongue
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
