ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
