I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
