i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
