I faked an abortion last night.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the day after is always just damage control
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
