im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
