I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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