i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
