I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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