My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
