Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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