I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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