After last night, I could never be a politician.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
