Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
