Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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